SizzUp.com - So you’re probably wondering who we are? Well let us tell you, this is like the holy grail of drinking/partying websites (or at least it will be when we’re done with it).

So how do you use this site? This site will help you create glorious concoctions (alcoholic of course) from the random stuff you find laying around in your kitchen; the cure for the impromptu pre-game!

Start by using are beta version of the Bartender.

Once done, it might be a good idea to go for the Breathalyzer. This will give you a close estimate on how much alcohol you have ingested into your bloodstream.

Enjoy!

There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined the PETA. But this week, we meet the Bill O’Reilly (No-Spinus Zoneus).

1. Description

The Bill O’Reilly is renowned the world over for his pale skin, extended forehead, and America-loving smirk [pictured in Fig 1.1].

Other common traits of the Bill O’Reilly include a heavily make-uped turkey gobbler, a knowing eye that’s looking out for you, tasteful suit, and expressive hand gestures [illustrated in Fig 1.2 below]

2. Habitat

When the Bill O’Reilly is not in the No Spin Zone, it can be found in Fox News studios and on children’s bookshelves [see Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The Bill O’Reilly mostly enjoys having common sense and being right [see Fig 3.1 below]

Among its other hobbies include hating the French, pissing off Keith Olbermann, and criticizing popular political figures [pictured in Fig 3.2].

The Bill O’Reilly is also known, on occasion, to tell people how they should live their lives [Bill O'Reilly's opinion is demonstrated in a drawing in Fig 3.3].

When the Bill O’Reilly isn’t doing any of these things, it can be found eating Freedom fries, having phone sex with female employees, and waving his finger in disgust [see Fig 3.4]

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Bill O’Reilly, don’t be a stranger. But be warned when approaching it- the Bill O’Reilly will mostly likely believe you have a leftist mainstream media agenda. So be sure to mention your blood-thirst hatred for the French and Michael Moore.

5. Fun Facts

The Bill O’Reilly can find the worst in anyone on the planet [see Fig 5.1 below].

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There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined the Steven Spielberg. But this week, we meet People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Animalus Retardus).

1. Description

Not to be confused with “The People for the Eating and Tasting of Animals”, The PETA can be easily spotted in America for their short-hair and obvious homosexuality [pictured in Fig 1.1].

PETA is also known for its red-face from constantly screaming for animal safety [example of animal in Fig 1.2]

2. Habitat

When the PETA is not protesting outside veterinary clinics and food company shareholders meetings, they can be found at Indigo Girls concerts, at celebrity benefit dinners, and on propaganda billboard ads [see Fig 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of PETA include applauding themselves for minor accomplishments, being celebrities who probably eat meat and wear fur, referring to pets as “animal companions”, only protecting adorable animals like chickens and dogs, wasting their time, ignoring the homeless [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

The PETA also enjoys not understanding that meat tastes delicious, fighting against animal research even if it produces a cure for AIDS, and making out with animals [see Fig 3.2].

Other common hobbies of the PETA include fear mongering instead of educating, euthanizing dogs and cats that aren’t adopted, being the Al Sharpton of animals, and advocating for humane chicken deaths instead of preventing it [pictured in Fig 3.3].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, feel free to say hi sometime. But before you approach them, be warned: when you first meet them, the PETA will scream things like “Murderer!”, and most likely throw buckets of blood at you.

So be sure to mention your desire to wear pleather and maybe present them with a veggie snack (even though vegetables are living organisms, too). Then, the PETA will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

PETA has never met an animal protest they didn’t like.

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There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined Italians. But this week, we meet Steven Spielberg (Movieus Turdus).

1. Description

The Steven Spielberg can be most easily identified in America for its ubiquitous glasses, neatly-trimmed beard, horribly lazy eye, and smug expression developed from years of earning your money [see Fig 1.1].

2. Habitat

Hollywood, in his Malibu palace paid for with your hard-earned money, and movie sets filled with large-scale explosions, aging archaeologists, and lovable aliens [illustrated in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Steven Spielberg has many hobbies, among which include hating storylines, thinking you’re an idiot who only likes shiny objects and loud noises, and making unnecessary sequels [pictured in Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Steven Spielberg include mindlessly supporting for Democrats, counting your money with George Lucas, paying-off movie critics for rave reviews, and making more unnecessary sequels [see Fig 3.2 below].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Steven Spielberg, feel free to say Hi when you see him. But be warned, when approaching him, make sure you’re carrying a pointless script based on a classic novel that’s full of expensive special effects and CGIs. Otherwise, the Steven Spielberg will want nothing to do with you.

5. Fun Facts

The Steven Spielberg has never met a sequel it didn’t like.

Politics, also known as poli-tricks, usually makes good fodder for humor and satire. Check out some of these great Halloween masks that parody political figures of note. Why not go to your next costume party dressed as your favorite or least favorite political figure?

Another angle might be to simply choose some crazy adult costumes that get people talking, laughing, or running from you, depending on your intention. Finding something unique is the key to success for the costume parties you attend. Try taking a page from the past with historical costumes that take you back to the times of Cavemen, Gladiators or the ancient Greeks. Bottom line, have a blast!

There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined Mac Heads. But this week, we meet Italians (Pizzaus Boyus).

1. Description

The Italian can be recognized easily for their angry scowls, formed from years of getting unreasonably upset over small misunderstandings [see Fig 1.1]

Italians can also be identified for their dark hair, large puffy noses, and obesity from carbohydrate-specific diets. [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of Italians include unrelentingly ugly faces, combing their hair with carburetor grease, large-breasted women, hair in inappropriate places, tanned skin from African bloodlines, and notoriously blank facial expressions [pictured in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

New York City, New Jersey, Boston, Philadelphia, Miami, Chicago, and any city with restaurants having a name ending in a vowel [pictured below in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

When Italians are not being hot-heads, they can be found slavishly believing in everything the Pope says, loan sharking, being born degenerates, loving Frank Sinatra, being controlled by the Mob, and using frantic hand gestures to express themselves [see Fig 3.1].

Other common hobbies of Italians include being closed-minded, being janitors, working in labor unions, being cowardly fighters, only eating foods made of tomatoes and dough and noodles, and working in the service industry [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Italians, feel free to say Hi when you see one. But be warned, Italians will be hostile at first. It is customary for them to angrily ask if you’re talking to them at least 2-3 times.

So when approaching them, be sure to wear a New York Yankees jersey and make a point to state how Rocky Marciano was the greatest boxer of all time.

After that, Italians should warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

It takes 4 Italians to change a light bulb. 1 to change the bulb and 3 to bury the guy they just killed to get the job.

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]]> http://thepandapage.com/2008/06/16/28-a-field-guide-to-the-people-of-america-italians/feed/ Nick Olds http://thepandapage.com/2008/06/10/herds/ http://thepandapage.com/2008/06/10/herds/#comments Wed, 11 Jun 2008 04:41:06 +0000 Nick Olds http://poopoopanda.wordpress.com/?p=404

Checking out the way groups of people identify themselves can be pretty funny. Use these herds for great ideas on how to dress this Halloween. Some of the photographs on this page would make for great Halloween costumes that will really get some laughs. If you decide to go with something more traditional keep it hot with sexy costumes that feel good to wear and get you noticed. Don’t forget you will need make-up, props and other Halloween accessories to perfect the look you are going for. Do something original this Halloween.

There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined the Gays. But this week, we meet Mac Heads (Appleus Fanboyus).

1. Description

The Mac Head can be most easily spotted for their distinctive fanboy smugness, derived from years of bragging about Apple products [see Fig 1.1].

Mac Heads are also known for being horribly unattractive, possessing foul body odor, being overweight, and having IQs bordering retardation [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Mac Head include a famously inadequate sexual prowess and noticeably muscular hands from masturbating to the thought of iPhone 2.0 [illustrated in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

When not camping out in lines waiting for new Apple products, the Mac Head can be found knelt down at the temple of Steve Jobs (for spiritual and carnal reasons) [as shown in Fig 2.1] .

The Mac Head is also known to be spotted at their mecca (now with over 74 locations nationwide) [seen below 2.2].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of the Mac Head include having an obsession with Apple products, spending all their time reciting facts about why Macs are better than PCs even though they’re aware that Apple could give a shit about any of them, and having group orgies while thinking about iPhones… while waiting in lines to buy iPhones [see Fig 3.1]

Other common hobbies included continuously buying Apple’s shoddy made-in-China products and mindlessly downloading iTunes when they could get the same song for free somewhere else [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Mac Heads, don’t be a stranger. And by don’t be a stranger, I mean that you’ll have to go to their mom’s basement to meet them. So make sure to bring lots of snack cakes and a bootleg of Steve Jobs’ MacWorld keynote speech.

After that, the Mac Head will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

It takes 5 Mac Heads to change a light bulb. 1 to change the light, and 4 to get together in small groups to gab about their favorite parts.

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There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met the John McCain. But this week, we examine the Gays (Fashionus Fruitus).

1. Description

The Gays come in many shapes and sizes, but they can be recognized for their 4 distinctive types: Leather [Fig 1.1],

Bewitched [Fig 1.2],

Ken Doll [Fig 1.3],

and Flame [Fig 1.4].

You’ll also recognize the Gays for always having their mouths open [see Fig 1.5 below].

2. Habitat

When the Gays are not in their native New York City and Los Angeles habitats (otherwise known as the land of fruits and nuts), they can be found in Metro areas, secluded public restrooms, and any place where princess costumes come in mens’ sizes [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Gays have many hobbies, among which include being Republican senators, producing network TV sitcoms, being obsessed with fashion, dressing models up like girlie dolls, being witty, marrying in California, smelling flowers, buying stuff they don’t need, loving Justin Timberlake, and joining the priesthood to justify not dating [see Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Gays are prancing, jazzercising, gelling their hair, being parent-failed penis lovers, designing fashion so that women think it’s sexy for men to dress gayer, walking bow-legged, watching LOGO, playing with dandelions, and training exotic tigers [explored in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Gays, don’t be a stranger when you see them. However, be warned, Gays may be hostile at first, so do not approach them with a naked woman or a confederate flag.

After that the Gays should warm right up to you.

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There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met Wegroes. But this week, we examine the John McCain (Maverickus Contradictus).

1. Description

The John McCain can be easily spotted for his distinctive oldness and ivory white hair [pictured in Fig 1.1].

You’ll also recognize the John McCain for his decorative war medals [illustrated in Fig 1.2]

The John McCain is also known for its forced smile and bi-partisan thumbs up [see Fig 1.3]

2. Habitat

When the John McCain isn’t vacationing in North Vietnam, he can be found in Washington D.C., the deserts of Arizona, and in bed with anyone who can help his political career [see Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The John McCain has many hobbies, among which include trying to appear bi-partisan, using AARP coupons, being past the average life expectancy, receiving campaign finance from special interest groups then passing a campaign finance reform act, divorcing his wife after a paralyzing car accident, and not lifting his arms [pictured in Fig 3.1]

Other hobbies of the John McCain are voting to ban gay marriage, being a part of the Keating 5, taking Centrum Silver, undermining the Republican party, and contradicting himself while riding in the Straight Talk Express [see Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the John McCain, why not say “Hi” when you see him? But be warned, the John McCain will be hostile at first, so do not approach him screaming Vietnamese.

So make sure you tell him he’s an American hero and then offer to shine his Purple Heart, and the John McCain will warm right up to you.

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