#21: A Field Guide to American People: Obama Voters
There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
Last week, we met Fraternity Brothers. But this week, we examine the ever-present, Obama Voters (Youngus Ignoramus).
So let’s get to know them, shall we?
1. What They Look Like:
The Obama Voter comes in many shapes and sizes, but they only come in two colors: Black and White.
The Black Obama Voter can be identified easily because they’re black [example shown in Fig 1.1 below].
While the White Obama Voter can be easily identified for their whiteness [see Fig 1.2].
Also unique to the White Obama Voter are their perpetual frowns from white guilt [pictured below in Fig 1.3].
2. Where To Find Them:
The Black Obama Voter can be found in basketball courts, barbeques, inner cities, Baptist churches, mosques, Hip Hop clubs (that don’t play Gwen Stefani songs), and barbershops across the country [see Fig 2.1] .
And the White Obama Voter can be spotted on college campuses, the Whole Foods grocery store chain, “indie” rock shows, The Gap, and Starbuck’s coffeeshops in Seattle, Hollywood, Boston, New York City, and San Francisco [illustrated in Fig 2.2].
3. Hobbies:
The Black Obama Voter has many hobbies, most of which include thinking OJ was innocent, eating the least appetizing part of chicken and pork, getting barked at by dogs, enjoying grape-flavored beverages, making White Obama Voters uncomfortable, and double-crossing Han Solo [see Fig 3.1].
Among the more popular hobbies of the White Obama Voter include being college students/professors/post-grads under 30, being rich, embellishing Obama’s Senate accomplishments, agreeing with Ron Paul despite him being Obama’s polar opposite politically, seeing nothing wrong about a black man asking for “Change”, co-opting/understanding Black Obama Voter anger, and using Obama as a “get-out-of-suspected-racism-forever” card [pictured below in Fig 3.2].
4. Notable Obama Voters:
Black Obama Voters: Al Sharpton [see Fig 4.1]
White Obama Voters: George Clooney [pictured in Fig 4.2]
5. Approaching Them in the Wild
Now that you’ve met the Obama Voters, why not say “Hi” sometime? But be warned when approaching them: the Black Obama Voter is likely to challenge you to a non-organized game of basketball. It is an ancient ritual passed down from their ancestors of the 1970s.
But, the White Obama Voter will be very nervous around you on first meeting, if you’re non-caucasian. So you need to relate to them by saying you listen to Journey or watch The Office.
But most of all…
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Tags: voting, obama, black people, white people, racism, news, star wars, guidos, guido, politics, jersey guido, stuff white people like, celebrity, politicians
May 15, 2008 at 11:43 am
this is craaazzzzy - but tru
May 15, 2008 at 11:44 am
This is a pretty cool analysis.
May 15, 2008 at 11:45 am
what about Hilary voters???
May 15, 2008 at 11:46 am
or republicans
May 15, 2008 at 11:47 am
I had a dream last night that I had a pen in my pocket with the words: Delegates Betray Obama - Hillary Wins written on it. My first politically charged dream and its a dissapointment, it better not come true.
May 15, 2008 at 11:48 am
too funny
May 15, 2008 at 11:51 am
ah was this trying to be funny? cause that joke got old around the end of march.
May 15, 2008 at 11:53 am
I’m white and hard-working and I like Obama. Your a racist Clinton supporter. Or worse, McCain
May 15, 2008 at 11:58 am
Obama is inspiring existing Democrats and bringing new voters into the party. It’s fucktards like you who get Republicans elected
May 15, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I couldn’t love a man any deeper than I do Obama.
May 15, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I’m not American but I try to follow the US elections closely. Can someone explain to me what the difference between candidates is?
May 15, 2008 at 12:23 pm
**** you
May 15, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Unbelievable. This is just the type of propaganda that ruins American discourse.
Some people base their opinions and credos on the stuff that their favorite comics say. Look at Bill Hicks and George Carlin.
May 15, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Very interesting analysis…
May 15, 2008 at 12:31 pm
God I hate Obama and his trendy politics
May 15, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Obama > Clinton in every way!!
May 15, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I salute Obama. Might even visit the USA if he is in charge.
May 15, 2008 at 12:35 pm
@Everyone here who supports Obama:
Obama voted for handgun control.
May 15, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Too much Obama for your momma!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3545343528928314588
May 15, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Obama:
Part politician, part cult.
May 15, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Focus, for a moment if you will, on a free nation where all people are valued by their character. When qualified persons can run for presidency with dignity and respect, because the people of such a nation prioritize matters of importance.
Where race is insignificant!
May 15, 2008 at 10:00 pm
The guy with the swastika shirt is clearly not black. Get some glasses you racist.
May 16, 2008 at 1:32 am
[...] Looks like fun to me! [...]
May 16, 2008 at 6:43 pm
@ andrew: you’re stupid. seriously. really stupid. it’s pretty obvious that’s a joke
May 19, 2008 at 4:40 pm
this guy is obviously not racist. He has a section dedicated to drunk myspace chicks. He’s an equal opportunity insulter.
May 23, 2008 at 1:08 am
first of all, the first picture in this article depicts an individual from india wearing a shirt that many would mistake as supportive of the nazi party. you insult this man with your description of the picture along with the readers’ intelligence in using an easily mistaken symbol for political purposes. also your analysis is not clever at all. and obama is the best option so get over it.
May 23, 2008 at 1:31 am
First of all, prove to me he’s Indian.
Second of all, that is an occultist symbol that’s associated with the nazis. It’s called a swastika. You’re also an idiot.
Third of all, I’m insulting a black man by calling him black?
Fourth of all, this doesn’t insult anyones’ intelligence, because they understand this to be light ribbing.
Fifth of all, it’s extremely clever.
Sixth of all, you’re an Obama supporter. Why would you like this? YOU’RE THE PUNCHLINE.
Seventh of all, Obama’s the best option, huh? Ever heard of a guy named Ron Paul?
June 4, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I’m a black/white Obama supporter and I love this post.
The guy in the first picture is not black. Nor are you insulting him by calling him black. It’s a wonderful WTF that’s-so-f******-ridiculous moment.
By black/white I mean my momma’s Black and my daddy’s White. I fit both stereotypes you elucidate very well. And it’s hilarious!