The Panda Page

First off, in the immortal words of Helen Keller: “ARRGGAARRGUUUHHH”

Now, for anyone going to grad school, ignore this. But for everyone else ending their 16 (give or take) years of school: LISTEN UP.

Life after college isn’t that bad. Fact, it’s better, because now you have money. I mean, you’ll still play the same video games and watch Juno a dozen times a week. But now you can actually buy useless crap, instead of waiting for your parents to send you money.

And I know this, because I graduated a few years ago, and it’s great. Like you, I’m in Generation Y (or whatever CNN calls anyone under 30 now). Basically, the generation of kids whose parents worked hard, so we wouldn’t have to. And, we DON’T.

And that’s certainly not a bad thing. We figured out that working hard only stresses you out. See, our generation learned how to be smart and manipulative, so we could watch TV for an extra 15 minutes a night.

We figured out what the teacher wanted, and passed every class. Trying hard’s for suckers. It’s the same way in life, too.

That’s why I’m going to impart some wisdom on you. I mean, we’re around the same age (within dating range, anyway), so believe me when I say this is how it works.

1. Make as much money as you can, because Ivy Leaguers get the best jobs

It’s true. Ivy Leaguers get all the best jobs. So stop dreaming and make lots of money, so you can have as much power and influence as possible. Because if you don’t have money, nobody will listen to you.

Forget what people said about money not buying happiness. You can’t buy anything without money. And like Denis Leary said, happiness only comes in glimpses (i.e. an ice cold beer, a chocolate candy, a good bowel movement, etc.).

Hating money is something poor people do to feel better about themselves. Remember that.

2. Don’t let anyone tell you making money’s a bad thing

One person’s wealth isn’t another’s poverty. The gold standard was eliminated a long time ago. Now, the Federal Reserve prints an unlimited amount of money everyday.

This isn’t a tilted scale, guys. Fact, the only difference between being broke and not, is using excuses. That’s it. There’s enough cash to go around.

3. If you’re privileged, take advantage of it

Don’t feel guilty. Do something good with your money. Like buying useless shit made by unprivileged people (i.e. website advertising space…)

Now, on to Politics.

4. You have four choices of political involvement

A) Stop voting and convince others to do the same. Because if everyone stops voting, then the system will have to change. That’s how democracy works in a free market.

B) Vote on everything and convince others to vote the way you do. Again, free market.

C) Run for political office. If you don’t like what you see, convince people you’re better.

D) Ignore politics altogether and make money.

5. Remember: all American politics are entertainment

Don’t ever expect truth in politics. Politicians are in the hope-selling business. And what sells better in America than hope? All American movies offer happy endings. Politicians are no different.

6. The truth is: YOU’RE THE PROBLEM

People expect too much from their government, and nothing of themselves. Fact, not being responsible for your life is another huge seller in America (i.e. horoscopes and fortune cookies).

Now, onto the important stuff.

7. Lie on your resume

If you ain’t lying, you ain’t trying. Nobody’s going to investigate it. Your entry level job’s not that important.

8. Don’t listen to your parents

Even though you’re probably moving back home after graduation, don’t listen to your parents unless they’re calling you for dinner (hey, you’ll eat meatloaf if it’s free).

The fact is, as soon as their generation retires from everything, the better off we’ll be. Technology’s sped up too fast for them. And because of that, we now live in a world where you know more than your parents. They may tell you different, but they’re only trying to stay relevant.

9. You know what’s best for yourself
There’s a value in doing stuff you want. It makes you feel good. Besides, remember what I said earlier: working hard’s for suckers. You’re smarter than that. So just manipulate people into giving you money. It’s what you do with your parents, right?

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