The Panda Page

Everyone uses the Internet these days. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of the Web with a new series called, A Field Guide to Internet People.

Last week, we met Hipsters. But this week, we examine Fraternities. More specifically, the Fraternity Brother species.

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like

The Fraternity Brother can be easily identified for their distinctive clothing style, the Popped Collar. Which consists of taking a pastel-colored American Eagle polo shirt, and flipping the collar upwards [pictured in Fig 1.1 below].

The popped collar acts as a sort of camouflage for the Fraternity Brother [see Fig 1.2]

The Fraternity Brother can also be spotted by his baseball cap being worn backwards, or awkwardly to the side [pictured in Fig 1.3]

Other common traits of the Fraternity Brother include wearing Live Strong bracelets, having gelled hair, wearing t-shirts with Greek lettering and slogans like “Go Ugly Early”, and having barbed-wire tattooes on their biceps.

2. Where To Find Them

Fraternity Brothers can be found at dollar draft nights at bars and in the run-down houses of college towns across America [illustrated in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

When they’re not posting up their drunken “shaming” pictures or YouTubing Dane Cook clips, the Fraternity Brother can be found drinking light beer from kegs, and changing Beirut rules wherever they go [pictured in Fig 3.1]

Among other Fraternity Brother hobbies include having bizarre initiation rituals [pictured in Fig 3.2].

And date rape [see Fig 3.3]

4. Notable Fraternity Brothers

[See figures 4.1 below].

5. Conclusion

Now that you’ve met the Fraternity Brothers, why not say “Hi” when you see one online? But be warned when approaching them: if you’re not in the Fraternity Brother’s Greek chapter (and you’re not an attractive girl with loose morals), he won’t want to speak to you.

So make sure that you learn a secret handshake, or have at least 2 girls with you upon meeting him.

But most of all…

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First off, in the immortal words of Helen Keller: “ARRGGAARRGUUUHHH”

Now, for anyone going to grad school, ignore this. But for everyone else ending their 16 (give or take) years of school: LISTEN UP.

Life after college isn’t that bad. Fact, it’s better, because now you have money. I mean, you’ll still play the same video games and watch Juno a dozen times a week. But now you can actually buy useless crap, instead of waiting for your parents to send you money.

And I know this, because I graduated a few years ago, and it’s great. Like you, I’m in Generation Y (or whatever CNN calls anyone under 30 now). Basically, the generation of kids whose parents worked hard, so we wouldn’t have to. And, we DON’T.

And that’s certainly not a bad thing. We figured out that working hard only stresses you out. See, our generation learned how to be smart and manipulative, so we could watch TV for an extra 15 minutes a night.

We figured out what the teacher wanted, and passed every class. Trying hard’s for suckers. It’s the same way in life, too.

That’s why I’m going to impart some wisdom on you. I mean, we’re around the same age (within dating range, anyway), so believe me when I say this is how it works.

1. Make as much money as you can, because Ivy Leaguers get the best jobs

It’s true. Ivy Leaguers get all the best jobs. So stop dreaming and make lots of money, so you can have as much power and influence as possible. Because if you don’t have money, nobody will listen to you.

Forget what people said about money not buying happiness. You can’t buy anything without money. And like Denis Leary said, happiness only comes in glimpses (i.e. an ice cold beer, a chocolate candy, a good bowel movement, etc.).

Hating money is something poor people do to feel better about themselves. Remember that.

2. Don’t let anyone tell you making money’s a bad thing

One person’s wealth isn’t another’s poverty. The gold standard was eliminated a long time ago. Now, the Federal Reserve prints an unlimited amount of money everyday.

This isn’t a tilted scale, guys. Fact, the only difference between being broke and not, is using excuses. That’s it. There’s enough cash to go around.

3. If you’re privileged, take advantage of it

Don’t feel guilty. Do something good with your money. Like buying useless shit made by unprivileged people (i.e. website advertising space…)

Now, on to Politics.

4. You have four choices of political involvement

A) Stop voting and convince others to do the same. Because if everyone stops voting, then the system will have to change. That’s how democracy works in a free market.

B) Vote on everything and convince others to vote the way you do. Again, free market.

C) Run for political office. If you don’t like what you see, convince people you’re better.

D) Ignore politics altogether and make money.

5. Remember: all American politics are entertainment

Don’t ever expect truth in politics. Politicians are in the hope-selling business. And what sells better in America than hope? All American movies offer happy endings. Politicians are no different.

6. The truth is: YOU’RE THE PROBLEM

People expect too much from their government, and nothing of themselves. Fact, not being responsible for your life is another huge seller in America (i.e. horoscopes and fortune cookies).

Now, onto the important stuff.

7. Lie on your resume

If you ain’t lying, you ain’t trying. Nobody’s going to investigate it. Your entry level job’s not that important.

8. Don’t listen to your parents

Even though you’re probably moving back home after graduation, don’t listen to your parents unless they’re calling you for dinner (hey, you’ll eat meatloaf if it’s free).

The fact is, as soon as their generation retires from everything, the better off we’ll be. Technology’s sped up too fast for them. And because of that, we now live in a world where you know more than your parents. They may tell you different, but they’re only trying to stay relevant.

9. You know what’s best for yourself
There’s a value in doing stuff you want. It makes you feel good. Besides, remember what I said earlier: working hard’s for suckers. You’re smarter than that. So just manipulate people into giving you money. It’s what you do with your parents, right?

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Today’s Internet winner:

No Regrets

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In the beginning, the Internet was supposed to become the next great educational tool. But instead, it’s become a playground for thoughtless writing, useless information, and mindless distraction.

It’s a place where unfunny people can have popular comedy sites, belligerent bloggers can become journalists, and anyone with a handheld camera, a wiffle ball bat, a crotch, and a dream can become a 10-second celebrity.

But did you ever ask yourself, why these people act the way they do? What made them become so retarded?

Well, Panda Page writer Nick Olds has 5 answers…

#5) Short-Term Memory Loss

I get easily distracted by having instant access to useless information. Let’s say, I’d go online to research something like the history of Mayan people.
But while I’m looking for that, I end up reading that Mayans lived in Cancun, which is the popular spring break spot, where Pauley Shore had that legendary MTV coke-party, and what was I talking about?

#4) Trivial Knowledge

Having all that access to useless information, most of your “knowledge” is trivial. Most people can name every Chuck Norris fact, but can’t remember their Constitutional rights or why they stay at a job they hate.

#3) Speaking Only in Acronyms and Abbreviations

Because of the crack-rush attention span of internet users, I no longer spell whole words or speak in complete sentences.

Example

Normal: Are you going to be rolling on the floor and laughing out loud later?

Internet: r u goin 2 b rotflol l8r?

My English teachers are proud.

#2) Spending hours on Messageboards

Instead of reading or thinking about my life, I spent hours talking/arguing/exchanging obscene pictures with people about current events on messageboards. The discussions, or “threads”, were very enlightening and clever, plus there were tons of capital letters and exclamation points. Which was great for emphasis.

#1) I spent all my time watching YouTube videos, playing games on Facebook, reading and writing MySpace blogs, and looking at porn.

I discovered a few things while doing these:

-YouTube is a great way to become famous without experience, talent, or intelligence
-MySpace is most people’s only chance to be friends with celebrities
-Facebook allowed me to see what my old girlfriends look like (and then try to bang them)
-And porn was a great way to get out my sexual frustration when my old girlfriends inevitably wouldn’t sleep with me.

Also, I found out that going to other people’s websites and writing nasty comments was a great way for me to feel better about myself for not having the courage to create anything on my own.

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And now, your weekly Motivation

He might not have won Pennsylvania, but he won my heart…

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People all over the world use the Internet these days. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of the Web with a new series called, A Field Guide to Internet People.

Last week, we examined LOLcats and their creators. But this week, we meet Indie kids. More specifically, the Hipster species.

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like

The Hipster can be most easily identified for their distinctive hairstyle, Bed Head. Which consists of not washing their hair, or sleeping in positions that allow the cowlicks on their heads to look fashionably unwashed [pictured in Fig 1.1].

Hipsters can also be identified for having 2% body fat [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Hipster include having a star tattooed on the inside of their wrist, growing an ironic mustache, wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70’s ski-vest, a high school sports T-shirt, Nixon-era Chuck Taylors, chunky plastic-frame glasses, and air-tight black girls jeans [seen below in Fig 1.3].

2. Where To Find Them

When the Hipster is not writing indie music reviews or posting up nightlife pictures of themselves, they can be seen living in Austin Texas, Portland Oregon, San Francisco, Los Angeles (Silver Lake), Wicker Park Chicago, and Williamsburg Brooklyn [pictured in Fig 2.1].

Other locations to spot Hipsters include coffee shops, the South-by-Southwest Music festival, and in the Art, Philosophy, or English courses at liberal arts colleges.

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of Hipsters include being ironic, scoffing at anything mainstream, judging people on their musical tastes, having their parents pay their rent, frequently using the term “post-modern”, reading Nylon magazine, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, carrying a shoulder-strap messenger bag, and shopping at thrift stores [shown in Fig 3.1].

4. Conclusion

Now that you’ve met the Hipsters, why not say “Hi” every once in a while? You can usually find them on Pitchfork, so be on the look out. But be warned, upon first meeting, Hipsters are likely to mock you for being mainstream or for liking a band that they were in to 10 years ago.

So it’s important for you to at least wear something from American Apparel or Urban Outfitters upon approaching a Hipster. But once you’ve done that, they’re generally nice people.

But most of all, have fun!

-Nick

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Hipster sites sited:
-Pitchfork
-Last Night’s Party
-Nylon Magazine
-NME Magazine
-Vice Magazine
-Free Williamsburg

Also sited:
How to make a Hipster Tutorial:

The Panda Page held a contest this week to make the best graph humor (I think it’s funny, internet people). So here are the Top 10 best of what was sent in.

Note: If you’ve ever used Google Docs or Microsoft PowerPoint, you’ll probably go nuts for this.

10) Plot of Sexy vs. Time

9) Prince’s Suggested Party Metrics

Percentage of when Corey Hart wears sunglasses

7) Jesus Jones would like to be

6) Drink order for George Thorogood

5) Criteria for selecting a compatible partner

4) Meredith Brooks Personality Metrics: 1997 Totals

3) The girl belongs to (if you get this one, buy a lottery ticket)

2) Items on which blame should be placed, according to Milli Vanilli

1) Rick Astley Would Never

-Nick

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MAKE YOUR OWN GRAPHS:

1. Pick a topic to visualize
   Something in the news, or on the mind of the public conscience. Or you can try a classic. Pick an item from the topic that can be explained visually.
2. Graph it
   On Google Docs, You can create bar, line, or pie charts.
   • Click New > Spreadsheet to start a new chart.
   • Enter the values for the chart
   • Highlight the cells and click on the Chart button:
   • Select the type, give it a title, and save the document.
   • To submit it, click on the Share tab and invite us at nicholasolds@yahoo.com

3. Or get creative using Office, Visio or other tools and email it to us.
Suggest other graph types in the comments.

It’s important in life to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass on the other side of the fence.

But you must be careful, because sometimes you can reach too far…

But when you find yourself overextended and you’re stuck in a situation that you can’t get out of…

There is one thing that you should always remember…

Not everyone who shows up is there to help you.

-Nick

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-Submitted by HeBlew

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